Captain Weak-Ass

by Lewis Derkins
May 28th, 2008, 2:33 pm

Captain Weak-Ass

Judd, I just can’t resist piling insult onto injury with this piece you wrote on Captain Tollway. You just can’t make stuff this good up.

I’m equally impressed by the journalistic rigor that has been applied to Captain Tollway in light of Illinois’ rampant fraud and harassment of taxpayers through their widely reported “mistake” in ticketing toll violations. The Herald News reports:

The new superhero made his debut as the champion of customer service on the Illinois Tollway. Captain Tollway’s first mission, as the star of his own coloring book, is to provide kids with Know Before You Go! tips to pass along to their parents for vacation trips and commutes alike.

“Travel will definitely be more challenging this year throughout the Illinois Tollway as our $6.3 billion congestion-relief program is well under way, and we apologize in advance for the inconvenience,” said Executive Director Brian McPartlin. “We urge drivers to allow for extra travel time and take Captain Tollway’s advice to get the latest information on construction and travel times before getting on the road.”

Thanks for the explosive, hard-hitting, ground-breaking, investigative report, guys.

Jack Ass

This Captain Tollway guy is so lame he probably wears pantyhose under his superhero outfit. What the hell are his special powers? Texting on his cell phone, sipping a latte, listening to NPR and putting on his makeup simultaneously while driving a smart car 50 mph through the I-Pass lane?

This guy should have a more befitting name – Craptain Dumphead, Captain Suck, or Captain Weak-Ass to match his weak-ass powers. What kind of superhero has crossed eyes? Not the kind I want saving me. He’ll probably lose his depth perception and accidentally zap me with his dork beam.

The Chicago Tribune did a whole expose on transportation mascots, and apparently Illinois has several more. Another, Jack Hammer, is the official mascot of the Illinois Department of Transportation. He should be Captain Tollway’s sidekick – the one who sucks at everything except kissing ass.

Let me shoot some truth at you, the day that my five-year old gives me a dissertation on the Illinois $6.3 billion congestion relief program, I’m calling his school to report his kindergarten teacher for dealing drugs to the students. The day that I take my traffic cues from a five year old is the day that I no longer need to have a license, or testicles.

I wonder what an imaginary dialogue between a five-year old and Captain Weak-Ass would sound like? Let me see …

Captain Weak-Ass: Hey there sport! Are you ready to discuss the traffic blockage at the I-94/I-294 interchange!?

Five Year Old: (Farts, picks nose, grabs crayons)

Captain Weak-Ass: How about we have a super-fun talk about the Congestion Relief Program: Open Roads for a Faster Future and why we need to drive 45 to protect workers!?

Five Year Old: (Eats booger on end of purple crayon)

Captain Weak-Ass: We could always play a fun game to determine how much money is in mommy’s I-Pass account or …

Hey! Wait! Captain Tollway’s uniform is bright green not purple … oh , well, wait, I don’t wear an Afro wig with a Hitler moustache!

Arggggh! You’re not staying in the lines! I look foolish!

Brian J. McPartlin

Hang on … no!!! You just drooled on me and smeared it! Now my paper is all mushy and warped, my face looks like it is melted! Oh, you tore a hole in it! Well, this puts a damper on my plans to tell you about the next Tollway Oasis station location.

This guy sucks so much that I propose we adopt him as our official mascot too. He could pop in at the end of posts and give public service announcements like the old GI Joe characters used to:

“Hi there Commuter Outragers! Captain Weak-Ass here to remind you that red-light cameras, though dangerous and ineffective, do not require you to slam on your brakes and cause a rear end collision! Hyuk! Yuk! Yuk! Remember not to piss off Judd and Lewis! Till next time, I’ll still suck!

Captain Weak-Ass – Two thumbs down, two middle fingers straight up Brian J. McPartlin’s nose.

Captain Tollway Thread