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Chicago Subway Wreck – Never Fear, the Moron Patrol is Here!

HoDar and L.E. Jack

Judd! This just in! The Chicago Transit Authority’s superhero waste squad is speeding to the scene of this crash right now to help alleviate the suffering.

HoDar and L.E. Jack are Taking the Red and L trains right now. Hopefully the diversion of funds that created them didn’t lead to shoddy track maintenance that will prevent them from arriving in time.

I’m told that Dancing Oranges was rolled out of retirement and down the Orange line to assist. He’s reportedly ready to save Chicago’s citizens from their inept government bureaucracy.

Less Carbon and Neda Recycle are also en route to help pull people from the wreckage and try to assure them that their mass transit systems are still environmentally safe and urge them not to switch back to cars.

Even Moe Waste, the arch-nemesis of Less and Neda, is getting in on the act. He’s reportedly volunteered his size 22 carbon footprint boots and his SUV to take the injured to the hospital since he has room and the subway can’t go there.

I’m told that Illinois has declared a state of emergency, and Captain Weak-Ass has been personally selected to lead this moron patrol to fix this awful calamity. Thank goodness Chicago volunteered these brave heroes for this task – goodness knows the investment will finally pay off.