No Joke: Illinois Unveils “Captain Tollway”
by Judd WileyMay 28th, 2008, 10:05 am
If you live in Illinois, that sound you hear right now is the gods above, laughing at you and your fellow taxpayers.
The Illinois State Toll Highway Authority (Illinois Tollway) has unveiled its new mascot … “Captain Tollway” … a flying action hero complete with bulging muscles, a strong jaw, cross eyes, and an Elvis hairdo.
From yesterday’s official press release:
Iron Man, Batman, the Hulk might have swell super powers or nifty crime-fighting gadgets. But when it comes to bringing Congestion Relief to drivers on the Illinois Tollway, there’s only one superhero delivering the message to Know Before You Go! this summer travel season - Captain Tollway. The new superhero makes his debut today as the champion of customer service on the Illinois Tollway.
Captain Tollway’s first mission, as the star of his own coloring book, is to provide kids with Know Before You Go! tips to pass along to their parents for vacation trips and commutes alike. Tips include why motorists should “Drive 45” in work zones, how to find out roadway conditions, and how to avoid “vacation violations.” The 12-page coloring book with crayons will be distributed at all six Illinois Tollway Customer Service Centers in time for the start of the summer travel season.
This is so outrageous it’s actually funny.
First, the Illinois Tollway is targeting Captain Tollway to little kids, those young enough to be susceptible to cartoon characters. Think about the idiocy of this. How would a little kid even know that this stupid action hero exists if he doesn’t appear on a regular TV program or cereal box? Kids don’t read press releases. They don’t troll the Illinois Tollway’s website. They don’t hang out with Brian J. McPartlin, executive director of the Tollway, or any of his staff.
Second, to make up for the fact that Captain Tollway will have 0% penetration into the little kid media market, the Illinois Tollway is offering “free” (read: taxpayer dollar funded) coloring books and crayons, available at Illinois Tollway customer service centers across the state. This is laughable. Who even knows where these service centers are located, let alone would ever want to bring their kids to them? What parent would ever want to expose his or her offspring to the slack-jawed dimwits that fill up these low-paying, go-nowhere positions?
Third, the Illinois Tollway wants little kids to “pass along” tips from these coloring books to their parents about how to drive 45 mph in work zones, peruse real-time traffic congestion reports, get assistance with I-PASS issues, etc. So let’s get this straight. Parents hear about this stupid action hero from somewhere, get excited, bring their kids to Illinois Tollway customer service centers, pick up the coloring books, have their kids read the coloring books … and then are somehow enlightened when their kids recite Illinois Tollway talking points back to them?
Fourth, what little kid understands, let alone cares about, any of these issues? Driving 45 mph in work zones? Reading congestion reports online? I-PASS issues?
Fifth, what makes the Illinois Tollway administrators think that any little kid would ever find Captain Tollway remotely appealing? Think about what makes a successful action hero. Superpowers … a captivating backstory about how he came into being … the repeated crushing of enemies. There isn’t even a basic narrative here. Sure, maybe all of this exists in the coloring books, but as we mentioned before, who’s going to drive to an Illinois Tollway customer service center for this?
There’s another, even more outrageous element to this story.
If you rewind your brain one month to April 2008, you might recall that the Illinois Tollway admitted to sending out roughly 3,000 bogus toll-violation notices to drivers. Apparently their toll booth cameras, which are supposed to snap pictures of cars that speed through toll booths without paying the fines, generated a statistically significant number of “errors in images.” The Illinois Tollway is currently sifting through a two-year backlog of alleged bogus toll-violation notices, many of which are several hundred dollars.
The man hours and tax dollars the Illinois Tollway spent creating this stupid Captain Tollway action hero – brainstorming the concept, designing (outsourcing) the graphic, drafting the talking points, disseminating the press release, yucking it up at the water cooler – should have gone to further decreasing the shameful two-year backlog of bogus toll-violation notices.
Instead, the Illinois Tollway takes your tax money and creates a mocking, ill-conceived action hero that is neither clever nor inspiring nor useful in any way.
Captain Tollway Thread
- Part 1 (Judd): No Joke: Illinois Unveils “Captain Tollway”
- Part 2 (Lewis): Captain Weak-Ass
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Posted in E-ZPass, Government Workers, Highways, Spending, Technology, Tolls, Uncategorized Rage |
“bringing Congestion Relief ”
Oh, that’s rich. This is like the mob throwing a brick through your window, and then telling you that they’ll prevent that in the future for a small fee. First you create a problem (the tollways), and then you offer a solution (for a fee).
You’ve captured pretty well the inanity of a stupid cartoon character hawking the i-pass. Unfortunately, this is only one of a string of outrageous missteps by the state government. We don’t even have a state budget, but we have money for a cartoon mascot?
Shameful.