Let’s Talk About How Idiotic American Auto Manufacturers Are - GM’s Tahoe Hybrid
by Lewis DerkinsJune 2nd, 2008, 5:57 pm
Today, I read this article about GM’s new Tahoe hybrid. I won’t bore you with the details of the review because I think this is quite possibly the most completely and catastrophically moronic idea that American auto manufacturers have ever come up with.
I’ll admit, I don’t normally have a problem with SUVs – if you’re the kind of person who’s willing to pay that much for gas, go ahead – it’s your financial funeral. No offense to Judd, who owns one.
But let’s be honest here, there are some things that just don’t go together – Fascism and childrens’ birthday parties, Legos and tinker-toys, Van Halen and Sammy Hagar, and FREAKING SUV’s and hybrid technology!
If you’re the kind of person who wants to drive an SUV, I would much prefer that you spray paint “death machine” on the side of it, fill it with leaded gasoline and drive around shooting bottlerockets at kids waiting for the school bus than to ply us with your false “environmental consciousness” in a hybrid SUV. While you’re at it, please do us a favor and attach a hose to your exhaust pipe, run it to your window, and roll it up while you drive around. Give me a break.
What kind of clueless idiot buys one of these things. I normally bash environmentalists, but at least I have a grudging respect for the ones who walk it like they talk it. The person who buys the new Tahoe hyrbid is like the person who just can’t jump into the cold pool – one … tiny … step … at (friend pushes) aaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!! (splash) (moron).
Either get on-board or get off, but don’t delude yourself that you’re doing anything for the environment, our economy, our foreign policy, or yourself because you’re getting a whopping 20mpg city and highway. In case you didn’t read that correctly, I’ll repeat it – 20mpg. I could power my car with flatulence and get better mileage than that.
You people suck. At least people who drive the regular Tahoe have the balls to get 14/19 mpg and look you in the eye like the steel-willed Americans they are. Drivers of the hybrid are like the person who can never give you a straight answer – they always avoid eye contact and run away to wet their pants in fear after having to answer anything remotely controversial.
And thanks GM for helping our economy out with this garbage – in case you haven’t realized, people are trading in cars with way better gas mileage that this hunk of junk because they’re too expensive. Add to that the fact that this beauty sells for over $50K, and what a steal. Boy! I can get an average of 2.5mpg better fuel efficiency while I drive my weak-ass way to the poor house! Sign me up!
What is the problem with the American auto industry? Raise your hand if you don’t realize that we need an alternative fuel vehicle at some point. The only people I see raising their hands appear to work at GM – great, our saviors have arrived.
Gas will run out eventually, even if we enact temporary solutions like drilling off the coast of Alaska for more oil. Biofuels are criminal. Hydrogen fuel uses too much energy to produce. That leaves electric cars.
Why the hell aren’t we researching the bloody crap out of these?
Why isn’t the auto industry investing huge amounts of R&D – including all the money that went into this rolling-used-baby-diaper-on-wheels – into battery technology research?
Why is the best solution that the big three offer something I would expect out of a third grader in remedial creative writing?
Why? Why?! WHY!!!!!!!!
Electric cars already exist, people! All we need to do is make them better and it’s a win for everyone. Environmentalists can stop whining about pollution, people can stop paying ridiculous gas prices, and our government can get the hell out of the middle-east and watch it implode. The Toyota Rav4 EV cost exactly $2.70 to fill up – that’s the equivalent of 111 miles per gallon!! The biggest problems with it were the batteries – not enough range, too long to recharge, too expensive to replace.
This is the country that put a man on the moon, sent probes into the depths of outer space to explore alien worlds and currently has robots on Mars trying to find signs of extraterrestrial life. Are you kidding me that we can’t devise something better than the Hybrid Tahoe? Is that really what the once proud big three – the companies that helped turn back the Nazis in the 40’s, the cornerstone and symbol of American industrial might – have been reduced to? If so, that’s pretty pathetic.
Captain Weak-Ass says: Hey kids! If you drive one of these hybrid SUVs, make sure you stop in to see me on the Illinois Tollway the next time you’re in town. I have a feeling you and I would be great friends and could wile away the hours discussing why you should drive 45! Don’t forget not to piss off Judd and Lewis! Till next time, I’ll still suck!
Posted in Gas Prices, Oil, Sport Utility Vehicles, Technology |
Derkins, you traitor! You need to grow a pair. Maybe even join the Marine Corps. Anything to redeem yourself from that blatantly un-American post. If you don’t drive a gas-guzzling sport utility vehicle, you’re neither a man nor an American. And making fun of the soccer moms, rappers, and old fat white people who drive the Tahoe - even worse! You might as well head to Luxembourg right now. Consider this strike one.
Fire me. If you’re weak-ass enough to drive a hybrid SUV, you should be Captain Weak-Ass’ sidekick - Mr. No Nuts.
Mr. Derkins, responding to Judd’s comment, which is pretty damn funny btw, feel free to take me with you when you leave for Luxembourg. This is what we’ve come to as a nation? Really?
I think it should be duly noted that the Lexus LS hybrid gets a stellar 20/22 mpg estimate as well. Which is, you know, so much better than the 16/24 rating on the petrol engine. All for only $40k more, base. And the GS hybrid rates at 22/25, against 17/24 for the largest GS model. Or sacrifice 37 horses and get 19/27 in the petrol model, which mathematically puts the petrol engine in a virtual tie with the hybrid assuming normal driving patterns for most people. I’m curious about the improvement in emissions, but I suspect it’s negligible at best.
So, I ask not only the Americans, but the Japanese, is this the best you can do? Really?
Downing! You too now! Take Derk and get the hell out of my country.
But seriously, what’s the point of a hybrid SUV if it only gets 20 mpg? The whole purpose of hybrid technology (from a consumer’s perspective) is to achieve much greater gas mileage.
I must say, the Lexus models you mention are pretty cool looking. But all that extra money so that you can get an additional 5 mpg?
The American auto industry is a disgrace. These people should be leading the charge toward an alternate fuel vehicle, but we let Toyota beat us to it - years ago.
Hooray America!
I’m not going to Luxembourg though. I’m going to stay here and continue to poke my sharp stick in everyone’s eye.
I agree– if a 20 mpg SUV is their best engineering at work, there’s little point.
Yes, the Lexus models look great, but it’s really tough for me to fathom the idea that the mileage is totally comparable, and possibly even worse, depending on driving patterns. I think it’s entirely possible that the person who would spend $40k more for the hybrid LS (or hell, even the $12k more for the GS) is perhaps as mentally challenged as someone who would buy a Hummer to run down to the mall in suburbia, or to drive to work in, alone, daily. And again, if this is their best engineering at work, there’s little point.
It doesn’t look like that sharp stick will dull any time soon.