Home

TSA Fails to Discover Huge Drug Ring

What, No I Didn't Sell Drugs to Fund the TSA

Today, the Totally Stupid Administration proved yet again how utterly worthless it is when it was revealed that a suburban New Jersey couple had been smuggling millions of dollars worth of cocaine and cash into and out of the country using commercial airlines.

Let me cut the TSA some slack though, as this was a very cunning criminal enterprise carried out by hardened felons who spent years in prison learning the dark arts of crime before being unleashed on an unsuspecting populace – oh wait … no it wasn’t. These two clowns cooked up a crime spree that a kindergartener wouldn’t take credit for because it wasn’t sophisticated enough.

I ask again and again - “What … are … we … paying … these … people … for … and … why???” - but no one ever answers.

This was a $1 million a week operation people. That’s a lot of cocaine. According to Yahoo Answers, whom I consider a trusted source on the subject, that’s right … what? Who the hell do you think answered the question? I’ll clue you in - it was some coke-head. Anyway, I digress. According to Yahoo, the street value of cocaine is $35,000 per kilo – for the good stuff. That means that every week these people we sneaking at least 28.5 kilos of cocaine past the TSA. For our metric system challenged readers, that’s 68.2 pounds.

And that’s not counting the cash. Now, you can’t even check a bag without it being X-rayed, sniffed, searched, and charged a $15 fee, but these two suburban clowns were sneaking 68.2 pounds of cocaine a week past our crack troops on the front lines of the War on Terror and no one stopped picking their nose long enough to notice? What an absolute joke.

The next time I go to the airport, I’m going to go through the screening completely naked, bristling with automatic weapons, covered in tattoos declaring violent jihad, and whistling zippity-doo-dah just to see if anyone notices. When asked to present my boarding pass, I’m going to hand over a copy of a letter declaring my intention to smuggle drugs in my rectum, and I will produce a picture of Ronald McDonald as my photo ID. When asked to take off my shoes, I’m going to deposit my toe and fingernail clippings into the grey bin and open fire on the metal detector. If we’re lucky, this might arouse slight suspicion.

Here’s the best part:

The investigation began last year when the DEA got a tip that a large-scale drug ring was operating out of Manalapan, an enclave of wealthy homeowners, many of whom had fled the urban ills of New York or northern New Jersey.

The morons at TSA didn’t even uncover this!!! The DEA did. And if you look closely, you’ll also notice that it took them 14 months to figure everything out. Is the DEA a bunch of clowns too? Why do we even bother to fight the war on drugs? Are you telling me that when someone tells the DEA what is going on, and virtually hands them the keys to the castle on a silver platter, that it takes 14 months to capture the mildly handicapped version of Bonny and Clyde?

Let’s get rid of the TSA and DEA. We’ll save $8.4 billion that we can invest in something that’s actually useful – like better roads and mass transit.