The TSA Must be Run by a Conspiracy of Dunces
by Lewis DerkinsJune 5th, 2008, 11:53 am
As loyal readers know, I am no fan of the Totally Stupid Administration. But yesterday my rage at this organization reached a new high as I read three successive stories that I can only describe as a trifecta of idiocy. Normally I limit myself to one story per day on these clowns so that I don’t have an aneurysm, but today, I just can’t take it, so without further adieu, let’s place our bets to see which of these gambles will pan out:
First is a new program called the Electronic System for Travel Authorization. This system is basically designed to screen travelers from countries that participate in the visa waiver program. The visa waiver program is an agreement with certain other countries that allows their travelers to enter the U.S. without the hassle of obtaining a visa. According to the new program:
Tourists and business travelers from the 27 countries currently listed under the visa waiver program will have to register with the US government three days in advance, the Department of Homeland Security said.
So what’s my problem with this?
Well, first of all, let’s think about what the requirements are for the visa waiver program in the first place – for one you have to have a machine readable passport. We don’t just allow fly-by-night riff-raff countries to participate in this program. So, either we trust their passport issuance procedures, or we don’t. If we don’t, why are these countries part of the program? What is the purpose of spending more money to create more complicated systems and positions for the nose pickers that run them in order to verify information that has already been verified?
The visa waiver program was created in 1986 “with the objective of eliminating unnecessary barriers to travel, stimulating the tourism industry,” and allowing the government to “focus consular resources in other areas,” according to the State Department website.
Critics have pointed out that this may decrease tourism and business travel, and I happen to think they’re correct.
“Getting this information in advance enables our frontline personnel to determine whether a visa-free traveler presents a threat, before boarding an aircraft or arriving on our shores,” said Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff.
OK Chertoff, you clown, what are your anti-terror warriors going to do with this info? I’ll tell you – they’re going to bump names against the terrorist watch list. Isn’t this the same thing they already did before you started to spend how many millions of dollars on this piece of garbage?
Here’s another idea, if we’re trying to capture terrorists and eliminate threats, why are we preventing these people from coming here. Isn’t there an advantage to having some jihadist arrive and present himself directly into the custody of US law enforcement? So, we’re going to take the gamble that this won’t hinder counter-terrorism efforts?
Instead of springing a clever trap, we’re going to send our zealot friends across the ocean an email telling them not to bother to board the plane because they won’t be allowed into the country. It will look something like this:
Dear Violent Anti-American Murderer,
We’re on to you. Do not board our planes because we will apprehend you. Perhaps you should change your name or obtain another fake document that we’re not on-to yet. You may want to go back and hide in Pakistan for a while and lay low so that we can’t chase you down. In the meantime, please disseminate all of the valuable intelligence you’ve just gleaned about what we know about you and your organization to your fellow terrorists. Thanks.
Sincerely,
U.S. Transportation Security Administration
This is the equivalent of throwing your fishing net into the water before the fish are anywhere near it, gunning the engines on the boat and throwing some C-4 into the water to make sure you’ve scared every last one of them away.
As an aside, the Travel Industry Association of America has bravely come out in support of this initiative and proposed a public/private campaign to “better communicate U.S. security and entry policies and welcome more international visitors”. Great, in case you require a translation of that statement, here it is: “We, a lobbying organization, want the government to pay us your tax dollars to help the government accomplish this foolishness instead of spending it capturing terrorists.”
Second in the trifecta of idiocy we have a bet on a new TSA Screening program that allows travelers to sort themselves into waiting lines for screening at airports.
I don’t even want to think about how much money we probably wasted to develop this concept because it will probably make me cry, but I do want to think about how dumb this is.
What moron in their right mind is not going to place themselves into the fastest lane – family in tow or not? The TSA plans to rely on self policing – read peer pressure – to enforce the lines. That’s going to make my screening go much faster the first time a fist fight erupts because some soccer mom is holding up the pompous world-class business douche who couldn’t be bothered to get to the airport on-time like everyone else.
At some of the bigger airports where the system has been in put in place, “we’re definitely having someone out front to direct traffic a bit,” Ms. Howe said.
So, as we are finding out, in order to make this work, we have to create a new position for a clown out front to direct us to the appropriate corner of the big top. Instead of realizing this right off the bat and implementing it, the TSA decided to waste how much money developing this concept again?
I’ve got a great idea to speed up the screening process – GET RID OF SCREENING AND ALL THE MORONS WHO RUN IT. To date, tell me how many terrorists we have captured through the screening process? “Oh, but Lewis, that’s because it serves as a deterrent, and if we got rid of it, they would start to sneak back onto planes.” - Bull.
The TSA can’t deter a ten-year-old runaway from completely breaching security twice. They can’t deter a suburban couple from smuggling over 60 pounds of drugs past them per week. The only people they are deterring are the most spectacularly incompetent terrorists.
The truth is - terrorists aren’t trying to hijack planes anymore because Americans know that if you surrender the plane, you’re going to die. Any further attempts to hijack planes will be met with overwhelming violence from the passengers, just like every attempt since 9/11 has been. It doesn’t matter if you have a box cutter, or a machine gun, if we’re all going to die anyway, the American psyche is prepared to accept the fact that we may have to make the same sacrifice as United 93 in order to protect others.
Rounding out our trifecta, we have an insight into the gamble the TSA plays in its hiring practices. We’ve covered the thieves before, but now we have a report of a sexual offender.
Now, I admit that this clown didn’t assault this girl on the job, so why am I blaming the TSA you ask?
I’m not blaming the TSA for this moron’s depravity, but I use this example as an insight into how broken the hiring process is in this organization. Forget the fact that this didn’t happen on duty at an airport. Don’t even assume that he’s guilty of sexual assault – like he’s being accused of. Assume everything was consensual. Isn’t there still something wrong with a 25-year-old man who is seducing an underage 15-year-old girl? This guy is supposed to be enforcing the law, and he’s breaking it and having sex with someone nearly half his age. What kind of moral fiber is this guy made of? Is this really who screens us and determines if we’re safe to fly?
And I know that all other organizations, public and private, have bad people who work there. But come on, we hear this kind of stuff from the TSA all the time. What is broken over there? You can bet your ass that if this happened at IBM, there would be a huge review of the entire hiring process to see what we could do to screen these people out. But I can almost guarantee you that within a month, you’ll hear another story about how some TSA screener is some sort of convicted felon or some other ridiculous revelation.
It’s time to face the facts. The TSA has some good people, but the organization is devoid of any utility whatsoever. It is a waste of money, time and resources. Get rid of it, and fold the people who are worth keeping into the FBI and put them to work aggressively protecting us from danger. Send the rest of these riff-raff packing back to wherever they came from.
TSA – two thumbs down, one middle finger up Michael Chertoff’s nose, the other middle finger up Kip Hawley’s.
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