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NYC To Sell Bridges

A typical day in Biketopia

This just in - Governor Paterson announced yesterday that New York may sell much of its infrastructure including roads, bridges and tunnels to “close a massive budget deficit.”

Luckily, a mysterious private financier has emerged to bail New York out of its predicament – a shadowy figure named… Dewis Lerkins.

Though the origins of Mr. Lerkins’ massive wealth are shrouded in mystery, it is whispered that he made his fortune speculating in the real estate market. After the market crashed, he aggressively lobbied the morons in Congress to bail him out of his loan obligations, allowing him to walk away with a significant windfall.

Mr. Lerkins has offered to buy all of the bridges, ferries, and tunnels into Manhattan as well as the island’s roads, subway, schools, police, and fire departments.

Though the deal is still in negotiations, Mr. Lerkins felt confident enough that the deal will go through to call a press conference and announce his new Sustainable Plan for a Livable New York - 2009.

According to Mr. Lerkins:

“I have stood by for far too long and watched as our city ran itself into the ground at the expense of reasonable, people-oriented, sustainable growth and planning. It ends today. I have partnered with the Livable Streets Movement to give New York’s bicycle community what it has sought for over three long decades – I give you Biketopia!”

“Beginning immediately after the finalization of the deal, bridges will close to all automobile traffic coming into the city – cars will only be allowed to leave. This will free New York’s streets overnight from the burden of traffic congestion and its associated social ills. This ban will affect all vehicles.”

When asked how New Yorkers will obtain food and goods, Mr. Lerkins responded:

The only concern in Biketopia - Notice how Biketopia's industrious inhabitants have cleared the land to grow food.

“This is a small inconvenience compared to the relief from the costs of automobiles’ negative externalities. I ask that New Yorkers re-envision their city as a place that now sustains life in a more human and compassionate way, no longer beholden to machines. Some will have to sacrifice and hand carry or bike the goods from long distances into the city – but hey, they already do this in the third world, are you telling me New Yorkers can’t rise to this challenge? New Yorkers can decide for themselves which blocks they want to level in order to clear land to grow the food they don’t want to haul in from outside. But I do have them covered on consumer goods. We will allow donkey carts to ship in Frisbees, hackey-sacks and of course, bicycles – all priced at rates that cover the back-breaking labor and expense of the shipping. That should be all they need to be happy.”

Mr. Lerkins went on to add:

“Biketopia!! Biketopia!! Biketopia!!…”

Responding to a question about how New Yorkers will maintain their infrastructure, Mr. Lerkins offered a reasonable solution:

“It hasn’t gone unnoticed by me that Biketopia will still need roads that are safe for cyclists, and nice enough to be considered “liveable streets”. Thus I have a moderate pricing scheme that will allow us to maintain our infrastructure. Every bicyclist crossing into New York via a bridge, tunnel or ferry will have to pay a base toll of $1,237.86. This will allow us to cover the roughly $662.4 million in construction and maintenance costs that NYC DOT needs. We will institute a sliding scale on top of that to levy more expensive tolls during peak times to account for any of the other supporting infrastructure and externalities not easily attributed to direct construction and maintenance costs. I forsee no negative economic impact from this plan – after all, from an economic point of view, this makes perfect sense.”

“I know our 21,870 bike commuters are eager to rise to the occasion and help us to build Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia!…”

When asked about his plans for the rest of the infrastructure he purchased, Mr. Lerkins responded:

Biketopia's school children learn to hate evil cars

“Schools will immediately start teaching global warming for 7 hours per day. They will abolish science (particularly the scientific method), math, and reading since these can be used to challenge the global warming dogma and question our abolishment of automobiles based on shaky environmental rationale. Instead they will spend the last hour of school teaching kids how to run red lights and stop signs on bikes while speeding the wrong way on sidewalks with no helmets.”

“The NYFD will no longer have trucks, so they will all wear new Smokey the Bear outfits to remind New Yorkers that “only they can prevent city fires.” I will also have them establish one fire pit in the direct center of each city block so that at night New Yorkers can have giant marshmallow roasts and sing kumbayah as they wile away the hours in a virtual paradise on earth.”

“MTA’s trains were purchased because they couldn’t cover their own operating costs. But I recognize that this is a critical component of Biketopia, so I will immediately double fares so that we are no longer dependant on gas taxes to subsidize this system. Ridership won’t really increase because I will have no more capital to expand the system. So most people will switch from cars to bikes – BIKETOPIA!!! – to get around because they are more flexible, fun and good for the earth. But I will use smoke and mirrors to keep mass transit riders happy. I plan to sell ice cream in every third car since the AC doesn’t work. The train horns will be replaced with that cute jingle that the ice cream truck plays, and I will paint them red and white stripes in a candy cane pattern.”

A policeman's only responsibility thanks to Biketopia's miraculous effects on crime

“The NYPD will initially have a tough task enforcing the new traffic patterns since bicyclists are vastly more dangerous to pedestrians than cars are, but eventually pedestrians will accept the utter supremacy of the bicycle and police can turn their attention to more important tasks associated with BIKETOPIA!” We will establish a division of 5,000 officers to get cats out of trees, another division to root out global warming “deniers” and send them to schools for “re-education,” and a third to prevent people from getting too overly happy and harmoniously coexisting to the point where society stops working – which is the natural outcome of…Biketopia!”

In exchange for this relief from burdensome tasks like providing the infrastructure and services that citizens actually require, the State of New York reports that it will be able to fully fund all of its important pet projects like the lottery, fringe benefits for State Employees, the Empire State Stem Cell Trust Fund, the state Military and Naval Affairs office (who knew New York had its own navy?) and a host of other dripping pork.

Mr. Lerkins seemed happy to take his the new responsibilities out of the state’s hands:

“I am fully committed to Biketopia. To show New Yorkers how excited I am about this, I have a very special fireworks spectacular planned. We will have a public reading of Honku while everyone stands in the middle of their livable streets. The fireworks will be timed to go off at the exact moment that our beautiful, beloved, bikeable-walkable city crumbles on its very foundations.”

“Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia! Biketopia!”